----2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason---
today i found myself looking back at the culmination of life thus far. if this were it, if today were my day of completion would i be ready? what have i learned? have i made an impact whatsoever? these thoughts lead me into a time of reflection, decision, and hope. i have experienced an incredible amount of things up until this point. my life has been rich with opportunity and blessing.
i grew up loved. loved by my immediate family UNCONDITIONALLY. no matter what happens, no matter how many mistakes i make, things i don't mean to say or do, my parents and my brothers and sisters loved me without faltering. i have made so many mistakes, i mean some real bungles. however there was never a time where they weren't there. in my family we have this thing my dad used to say. he worked away for most of my life, but he told us no matter where he was or what he was doing if we needed him he'd be there. he would "drag up" and come to our aid. i have no doubt in my mind of this, my father's unconditional love. he is gone now, and my family walks on in this principle. family means no matter what, you are there. family are the people you would want beside you in a fight or trying circumstance. family is love. i am blessed because i have love.
i had incredible friends growing up, we grew up in Coudersport Pennsylvania (aka Tiny Town, USA). my first experience of the outside world other than vacationing was college, I was dual enrolled and attended summer semester @ Yale University. To go from the mountains to the city was an experience I will never forget. it was that first time on my own where "i" was sculpted. i was 16 and grown in ways most adults were, not to say i didn't hold immaturity, i still do, but when you are in college and there is no one but you and Jesus to work out your messes you grow up fast. after that returning to high school was almost impossible. i had tasted life and didn't know how to go back to the previous "high school" existence. i skipped out my senior year and was gone. at that point in my life things were shaky. i was in a great time of transition and didn't know much of anything, enter Bible School into the picture. i went to school in rocky mount, virginia and it was there i found myself IN GOD. when i was 17 i left Bible school and moved to flint, michigan. i lived with a dear pastor and his family and then with incredible people who became my second family. i made a life for myself learning and growing. i applied to U of M, received admission, was going to get engaged to an amazing man of God and was well on my way to a future.
friday November 7th, 2003 i got the call that changed my life. my dad, my best friend in the entire world, had cancer. cancer is a peculiar thing... some people find out they have cancer and live for years, some people a year, God heals some people.... with cancer you just never know how much time. i got 69 days with my dad, from the day he was diagnosed till the day he died. 69 of the longest and shortest days of my life. i immediately returned to Pennsylvania to be my father's primary care giver. We didn't know what this walk would be like, I out of all the siblings had the most dispensable life, i hadn't begun school yet and my life would wait. So i pressed pause with all of my heart and went to be by my fathers side. my mother had to continue working for as long as possible to keep insurance before she could take a leave. she never got the time to take it. it was over before the fight had even begun. i daily watched my father die and for a long time i couldn't recover. i shut down for what seemed like a long time. after that everything went. The man i was going to spend my life fell for someone else in those 69 days. my life at that point seemed over.
after i returned to michigan it wasn't the same. i came back to pennsylvania and lost months. finally i awoke in august of 2004. i packed the car and drove to lakeland, fl. Southeastern University. i had applied for early admission in high school and gotten accepted. i called and asked if my acceptance was still on file. they said yes, i packed the car. i was a transfer student, but transferred no credits in, i scrapped life before that, and began a fresh start. i successfully completed my freshman year. it was in this time i found newness of life. it was an awakening. new friends. fresh air... BREATHING... my second semester i began as a LINC (leader in community, asst. RA) Sophomore year continued in student development and life, and had a genuine life, i was owned by the comm dept, did acting, PR/journalism, English, and Pre-law.... life was full and good :) around thanksgiving i was sitting in chapel looking at the ceiling. The Lord said I wouldn't be there next semester. it was a peculiar thing to hear, however i knew it was Jesus. I began frantically looking for a school, i knew i wanted east coast, and Christian, past that i was clueless. i called my mom to tell her it was time to move again and she was disheartened. she wanted me to just stay somewhere for longer than a year, to finish something. it wasn't that i didn't want to finish, i just knew God said i wouldn't be there next semester. she asked me to be obedient to her, and just to stay and finish sophomore year. i told her against what i knew was right, "okay". i had to be obedient though over Christmas break i had applied to a school called Regent University. I prayed and left it in God's hands. January rolled around, this first week of classes began, and i ended up in the hospital. looong story short. I was moved back to Pennsylvania with my belongings by the first week of February. I landed a rare neurological disorder called cluster headaches. doesn't sound scary, but it is. so i ended up not being scrapping the semester trying to get the disorder under control. i received my acceptance to regent, i began taking online classes and told my mom and packed the car again. this time it was a year ago to virginia beach and regent university.in the fall i began on campus and this brings us up to about now.
the things that have unfolded during the past year have been good, and bad, and inbetween. they have been God. i have lost relationships, gained them and am yet again at a time of transition. one week from today i am moving, but this time only to an apartment a little further away from my current residence. i am still breathing. during the past year i have come to terms with a lot. i have learned much about the person i am and the person i am growing to be. i went through the year having a person, having a best friend, someone that was more like a sister than anything, and have lost them. i wish the world understood unconditional love.... i wish we saved the judging for God... i wish when someone said they loved you, they would mean it... i wish we would consider our words more carefully... i wish people understood communication and how necessary it is. this wishing leaves me with hope. hope for the future, cultivating relationship in my home life, at school. cultivating the love of Christ and giving it to the world. thinking about the truly important things.
